Husband and Wife relationship

The Husband wife relationship in Islam

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By مروان البستاني

 

 

أَفَغَيْرَ دِينِ اللّهِ يَبْغُونَ وَلَهُ أَسْلَمَ مَن فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالأَرْضِ طَوْعًا وَكَرْهًا وَإِلَيْهِ يُرْجَعُونَ

قُلْ آمَنَّا بِاللّهِ وَمَا أُنزِلَ عَلَيْنَا وَمَا أُنزِلَ عَلَى إِبْرَاهِيمَ وَإِسْمَاعِيلَ وَإِسْحَقَ وَيَعْقُوبَ وَالأَسْبَاطِ وَمَا أُوتِيَ مُوسَى وَعِيسَى وَالنَّبِيُّونَ مِن رَّبِّهِمْ لاَ نُفَرِّقُ بَيْنَ أَحَدٍ مِّنْهُمْ وَنَحْنُ لَهُ مُسْلِمُونَ

وَمَن يَبْتَغِ غَيْرَ الإِسْلاَمِ دِينًا فَلَن يُقْبَلَ مِنْهُ وَهُوَ فِي الآخِرَةِ مِنَ الْخَاسِرِينَ

 

Is it then other than Allah's religion that they seek (to follow), when to Him submits whoever is in the heavens and the earth, willingly or unwillingly, and to Him shall they be returned.

Say: We believe in Allah and what has been revealed to us, and what was revealed to Ibrahim and Ismail and Ishaq and Yaqoub and the tribes, and what was given to Musa and Isa and to the prophets from their Lord; we do not make any distinction between any of them, and to Him do we submit.

And whoever desires a religion other than Islam, it will not be accepted from him, and in the hereafter he shall be one of the losers.

(3:83-85)

 

وَالْمُؤْمِنُونَ وَالْمُؤْمِنَاتُ بَعْضُهُمْ أَوْلِيَاء بَعْضٍ يَأْمُرُونَ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَيَنْهَوْنَ عَنِ الْمُنكَرِ وَيُقِيمُونَ الصَّلاَةَ وَيُؤْتُونَ الزَّكَاةَ وَيُطِيعُونَ اللّهَ وَرَسُولَهُ أُوْلَـئِكَ سَيَرْحَمُهُمُ اللّهُ إِنَّ اللّهَ عَزِيزٌ حَكِيمٌ

 

The believing men and the believing women are the allies/guardians of eachother, they enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and his messenger.  Those; Allah will have mercy on them.  Indeed Allah is exalted in might and wisdom.

(9:71)

 

The first and best criterion for a husband and wife is that they are Muslims[1] and follow the deen of Allah, the way, the judgement of Allah.  This so that they can remind one another as part of their marriage to bring Allah to remembrance and to do that is right.

 

 

 

THE GENERAL GUIDELINES

 

 

The following general guidelines must be adhered to always in a marriage and they must act as the background for the specific guidelines dealt with in the next section.

 

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

 

“And among His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find tranquillity in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.” (30:21)

 

• Allah has indeed created man and woman to be the natural counterparts of the other, they are natural companions. 

 

• Allah has destined that they may find tranquillity in one another. 

 

• Finally Allah tells us that he has put love and compassion between husband and wife. 

 

These indeed are signs for all of us.

 

The above are what a man and a woman must seek to maintain in their lives in order to fulfil Allah’s destiny for his creation.

 

هُوَ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَجَعَلَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا لِيَسْكُنَ إِلَيْهَا فَلَمَّا تَغَشَّاهَا حَمَلَتْ حَمْلاً خَفِيفًا فَمَرَّتْ بِهِ فَلَمَّا أَثْقَلَت دَّعَوَا اللّهَ رَبَّهُمَا لَئِنْ آتَيْتَنَا صَالِحاً لَّنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ الشَّاكِرِينَ

 

“It is He Who created you from a single self and made from him his spouse so that he[2] might dwell in rest/tranquillity with her. Then when he covered her she bore a light load and carried it around. Then when it became heavy they called on Allah, their Lord, ‘If You grant us a healthy child, we will be among the thankful!’” (7:189)

 

• Man and woman, husband and wife, designed so that they should dwell in rest and tranquillity with each other.

 

• They join, she conceives and they make a dua. 

 

 

أُحِلَّ لَكُمْ لَيْلَةَ الصِّيَامِ الرَّفَثُ إِلَى نِسَآئِكُمْ هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ

 

“On the night of the fast it is lawful for you to have sexual relations with your wives. They are clothing/covering (libaas) for you and you for them….” (2:187)

 

• Libaas is used for the covering term above, in this context it would seem to imply intimacy and closeness.  We act as a covering and protection for each other from fornication and any other such danger by sexually fulfilling one another.

 

It is clear that the husband and wife must seek to sexually fulfil each other whenever needed in order to remove that need or want from one another, in this way they can help one another.

 

نِسَآؤُكُمْ حَرْثٌ لَّكُمْ فَأْتُواْ حَرْثَكُمْ أَنَّى شِئْتُمْ وَقَدِّمُواْ لأَنفُسِكُمْ وَاتَّقُواْ اللّهَ وَاعْلَمُواْ أَنَّكُم مُّلاَقُوهُ وَبَشِّرِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ

 

“Your women are fertile fields for you, so come to your fertile fields however you like. Send good ahead for yourselves and have fear of Allah. Know that you are going to meet Him. And give good news to the believers.” (2:223)

 

This analogy indicates a few things: -

 

• The fertile field analogy can be taken to imply that intercourse should be vaginal in nature, as it is only through this kind of intercourse that one may ‘sow the seed’ in the ‘fertile field’.  This makes no statement on other non-intercourse based sexual acts.

 

• It also implies that there are options in whether to sow or not as with any ‘field’.

 

• It implies that the husband and wife can have sexual intercourse any way they like.

 

• The husband and wife are reminded that they must send good before them and fear Allah and know that we will meet him.  This acting to purify man’s (at least) intentions with his wife in sexual intercourse.

 

The wife should be receptive to her husband and his needs, and the husband should remember Allah to purify his mind before intercourse.

 

 

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ لاَ يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَن تَرِثُواْ النِّسَاء كَرْهًا وَلاَ تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذْهَبُواْ بِبَعْضِ مَا آتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ إِلاَّ أَن يَأْتِينَ بِفَاحِشَةٍ مُّبَيِّنَةٍ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئًا وَيَجْعَلَ اللّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا

 

“You who believe! It is not lawful for you to inherit women by force. Nor may you treat them harshly so that you can make off with part of what you have given them, unless they commit an act of flagrant indecency. Live together with them correctly and courteously. If you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed a lot of good.” (4:19)

 

• ·        Men are commanded not to treat their wives harshly for the purpose of getting back anything they have given them, unless they commit a clear ‘fahisha’, like adultery of any type etc…

• They must instead live with their wives in a correct and courteous manner.

 

• In fact, Allah tells us that if men dislike something in their wives then they should bear with it as Allah may have placed allot of good in it. 

 

Consider for example a verse in the context of divorce, a hard time in which anger, sorrow, resentment etc… are powerful emotions: -

 

أَسْكِنُوهُنَّ مِنْ حَيْثُ سَكَنتُم مِّن وُجْدِكُمْ وَلَا تُضَارُّوهُنَّ لِتُضَيِّقُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ وَإِن كُنَّ أُولَاتِ حَمْلٍ فَأَنفِقُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ حَتَّى يَضَعْنَ حَمْلَهُنَّ فَإِنْ أَرْضَعْنَ لَكُمْ فَآتُوهُنَّ أُجُورَهُنَّ وَأْتَمِرُوا بَيْنَكُم بِمَعْرُوفٍ وَإِن تَعَاسَرْتُمْ فَسَتُرْضِعُ لَهُ أُخْرَى

 

“Let the women live (in 'iddat*) in the same style as ye live, according to your means: Annoy them not, so as to restrict them. And if they carry (life in their wombs), then spend (your substance) on them until they deliver their burden: and if they suckle your (offspring), give them their recompense: and take mutual counsel together, according to what is just and reasonable. And if ye find yourselves in difficulties, let another woman suckle (the child) on the (father's) behalf.” (65:6)

 

*the waiting period before final divorce or when cancellation of divorce process can take place.

 

Even with the context of a painful divorce the husband must not annoy his wife, furthermore he should consult with her on relevant issues.  If this is what is expected at such times, how much more within the context of a loving marriage?

 

  

In fact from the very basic fact of consultation that Allah requires of Muslims we can understand the need for it in the marriage relationship, consider: -

 

وَالَّذِينَ اسْتَجَابُوا لِرَبِّهِمْ وَأَقَامُوا الصَّلَاةَ وَأَمْرُهُمْ شُورَى بَيْنَهُمْ وَمِمَّا رَزَقْنَاهُمْ يُنفِقُونَ

 

“Those who hearken to their Lord, and establish regular Prayer; who (conduct) their affairs by mutual Consultation; who spend out of what We bestow on them for Sustenance;” (42:38)

 

That affairs are conducted by consultation is seen from this verse to be an important quality of the Muslim character.

 

 

 

THE SPECIFIC GUIDELINES

 

 

الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاء بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُواْ مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللّهُ وَاللاَّتِي تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلاَ تَبْغُواْ عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلاً إِنَّ اللّهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّا كَبِيرًا

 

“Men are the protectors/guardians and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore/so the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to the husband)*, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct (nushuz), admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) separate from them[3]; but if they obey you, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).” (4:34)

 

*This understanding is justified below.

 

• Men are the guardians and maintainers of women, this is the decree of Allah that must be established if at all possible.  That is, this is how Allah decrees that it should be.  It is not for men, women or society at large to dictate otherwise.

  • This of course has implications on the general economic role that women take in society.

  • Given that Allah has assigned the role for the husband as the provider, it does not make sense that the woman unnecessarily goes to work to essentially cancel this role for the husband.

  • If women do go to work in force, the economics of the society will change to make it much more difficult for a man to financially maintain his family, hence to fulfil the role for which he was designed.

  • This will then make more women have to go out to work

  • This will then crumble the family unit and impact on the children in the family.

 

• Women are therefore required to be devoutly obedient to their husbands, in that they should seek to obey them in matters that are not forbidden.  This is distinct from slavishly obedient which would imply absolute obedience of any command be it right or wrong.  We can notice that because of the underlined ‘therefore/so’ that it is as a result of the role of the husband that the wife owes him this kind of obedience, and of course the guarding in the husbands absence what Allah would have them guard. 

 

• Since men are guardians and maintainers of their wives, they must have some authority to make decisions within this context, otherwise this role becomes empty and the ability of the husband to fulfil it reduced dramatically.  So within this role division, wives should aim to be obedient to their husbands.

 

• If we look at the last part in bold we see that if the woman returns to obedience then etc… this would imply that the most likely nushuz a wife may do is to be disobedient in a serious manner or a serious matter, as opposed to being unjust or unkind.

 

• The role of husbands as guardians and maintainers of their wives, their roles should not be limited to mere protectors and providers. Properly taking care of women requires more than ensuring their physical security and providing food and shelter. It also requires looking after their psychological and emotional needs that can be summed up in terms of the need for love (30:21). Thus the husband's role in the marriage relationship generally consists of three things: protecting the woman, looking after her economic needs and giving her love.[4]

 

• With respect to the women, "Guarding (in husband’s) absence what God has (willed to be) guarded" means guarding the husband's honour and property as well as the wife's own loyalty towards him. "Even though out of sight" refers to the husband's honour and property when he is absent (when working) as well as her modesty and chastity with all other men. Thus in return for the love, security and financial support that the husband should give his wife, the righteous wife should give her husband love, loyalty, obedience and look after his interests with complete faithfulness.[5] 

 

• This implies that women are not meant to be working, and are hence supposed to be primarily at home (when the husband is working, he is absent from the home).

 

• Consider, what was Allah saying about the husband wife relationship when he says that: -

 

• The husband gives her of his wealth, her maintains her.

 

• She guards what Allah would have her guard in her husband’s absence.

 

• The answer is obvious, that she is not working and is primarily at home.

 

• This is the pattern that Allah is establishing in the Qur’an.  It is not to be changed to fit in with feminist or ‘modernist’ women.  To have a career is of no value at all for women Qur’anically.  In fact, if a woman chooses to have one when it is not needed, then she is choosing to break the pattern that Allah seeks to establish in this Ayah (and in another later on, 33:33)

 

It is clear that the difference in authority in the husband-wife relationship does not indicate of a difference in worth, as Allah clearly states: -

 

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍ وَأُنثَى وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِندَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ

 

 “O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things).” (49:13)

 

It should also be clear that the fulfilment of the wife’s responsibilities to her husband is predicated upon the husband actually fulfilling his responsibilities to her as best he can.  This is logical, and the So/Therefore linkage used in (4:34) also indicates it.

 

If we look at the following verse: -

 

عَسَى رَبُّهُ إِن طَلَّقَكُنَّ أَن يُبْدِلَهُ أَزْوَاجًا خَيْرًا مِّنكُنَّ مُسْلِمَاتٍ مُّؤْمِنَاتٍ قَانِتَاتٍ تَائِبَاتٍ عَابِدَاتٍ سَائِحَاتٍ ثَيِّبَاتٍ وَأَبْكَارًا

 

“Maybe, his Lord, if he divorce you, will give him in your place wives better than you, Muslim, faithful, devoutly obedient (qanitaat), penitent, worshipping, travelling (or emigrating, for Islam), previously married and virgins.” (66:5)

 

We see that Allah (regarding the wives of the prophet) refers to the quality of being devoutly obedient (to their husband, Muhammad) as distinct to being Muslim, being worshippers of Allah, faithful to Allah etc…   Hence it is referring to obedience to Muhammad as a husband.  This then being a confirmation to the understanding given in 4:34.

 

There are some other issues that should be noted.  All of the above must be within the context of love and compassion as is defined in the general verses.  Let us remember that Allah also specifically tells husbands to be patient with things they don’t like about their wives (4:19).  This clearly indicating a relationship of compassion, forbearing with faults and love as is indicated by (30:21).  Not tyranny and dictatorship.

 

It is absolutely vital that the general guidelines for husband wife relations are used as the context within which the specific guidelines are understood and practiced.

 

What is nushuz? 

 

The word means high headedness, rebellion, disobedience, treating unjustly, treating unkindly etc…

 

It is used in both the context of the husband fearing it from his wife in (4:34) and the wife fearing it from her husband (4:128), in both cases they are followed by a reference to the possible break up of the marriage.

 

Nushuz can take a number of meanings in the context…  The wife could be high headed and decide she is better than to be a wife in the home and to respect her obligations to her husband and as such rebel against the will of Allah for her.  She may rebel against guarding in the husband’s absence what she should (e.g., modesty) She could of course be treating her husband unjustly and/or unkindly.

 

The husband could be acting unkindly and unjustly with his wife and he could be rebelling against his obligations to her and as such rebelling against the will of Allah for him.

 

I believe nushuz is a general term for something, which the spouse does that they shouldn’t do or something they don’t do that they should, both being as a result of disrespect or rebellion with respect to Allah and the marriage bond, which makes the marriage very difficult and hence allows the consideration of divorce.

 

وَالْمُطَلَّقَاتُ يَتَرَبَّصْنَ بِأَنفُسِهِنَّ ثَلاَثَةَ قُرُوَءٍ وَلاَ يَحِلُّ لَهُنَّ أَن يَكْتُمْنَ مَا خَلَقَ اللّهُ فِي أَرْحَامِهِنَّ إِن كُنَّ يُؤْمِنَّ بِاللّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الآخِرِ وَبُعُولَتُهُنَّ أَحَقُّ بِرَدِّهِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ إِنْ أَرَادُواْ إِصْلاَحًا وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ وَاللّهُ عَزِيزٌ حَكُيمٌ

 

“Women for whom the process of divorce has begun* (begun by the husband) should wait by themselves for three menstrual cycles; and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allah has created in their wombs if they believe in Allah and the Last Day. Their husbands have the right to take them back within that time, if they desire to be reconciled. Women possess rights similar to those held over them (i.e., their obligations) to be honoured with fairness; but men have a degree above them (in both rights and obligations). Allah is Almighty, All-Wise.” (2:228)

 

*That is at the start of the iddah or waiting period.

 

• This verse implies that men have been given both more obligations and rights with respect to their wives.  That is, the husbands have a degree above their wives in responsibilities to and rights from their wives.

 

• (4:34) explains these rights and obligations to some extent.

 

• In the verse itself is an example of the husband exercising this right, namely if the husband starts the divorce process and wife is in the waiting period, the husband has the right to take her back if he chooses to reconcile.

 

When we look at the institution of marriage, we can see a differentiation in some aspects: -

 

• Both spouses have the same obligations to provide physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness to each other, but men will have the added obligation of providing for the economic needs of the wife.  And the wife has the reciprocal obligation of guarding the property, honour etc… of the husband along with being properly obedient.[6]

 

• In case the husband initiates divorce, he is obliged to pay some maintenance expenses (2:241).  However, when the woman initiates the divorce she does not pay any compensation to the husband as this is nowhere stipulated in the Qur’an; she need at most return part of what she received from the husband as dower if such payment is helpful in an amicable settlement. (2:229)[7]

 

The fact that husbands' rights are a degree greater does not effect the claim that in Islam men and women are equal before Allah, since men's greater rights within the marriage relationship do not mean that men also enjoy greater rights outside that relationship, because within the marriage relationship men's greater rights are completely justified by the greater responsibility given to them by Allah.[8]

 

We must remember here that whenever we talk about members of a society having equal rights that members of that society freely enter into arrangements in which some take greater responsibility and therefore also have greater rights and authority, this is how companies work. Equality of rights can only be asserted on the assumption of equality of responsibility.[9]  

 

Islamically wealth or the ability to order people around does not make you more of a person than a street cleaner, it is only the person’s Islam that determines this.  Hence just because the husband has more rights and authority in the marriage relationship, it does not make him more than his wife.  It is merely an arrangement for the partnership decreed by Allah.

 

Let us not forget that women who work obey their manager’s commands for the sake of money, yet they feel irritated when Allah commands them to obey their husbands as a religious obligation.  This shows that they care for dunya more than Akhira.

 

Women should make sure they can and will fulfil their obligations to their husbands if they are going to marry.

 

وَقَرْنَ فِي بُيُوتِكُنَّ وَلَا تَبَرَّجْنَ تَبَرُّجَ الْجَاهِلِيَّةِ الْأُولَى وَأَقِمْنَ الصَّلَاةَ وَآتِينَ الزَّكَاةَ وَأَطِعْنَ اللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُ إِنَّمَا يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ لِيُذْهِبَ عَنكُمُ الرِّجْسَ أَهْلَ الْبَيْتِ وَيُطَهِّرَكُمْ تَطْهِيرًا

 

 “And Qarna in your houses and do not display your finery like the displaying of the times of ignorance; and keep up prayer, and pay the poor-rate, and obey Allah and His Messenger. Allah only desires to keep away the uncleanness from you, O people of the House! and to purify you a (thorough) purifying.” (33:33)

 

In 33:33, Allah says to women:

 

“Associate yourselves with home...”(33:33)

 

This verse was revealed referring to the wives of the Prophet. Nevertheless, this verse, in agreement with 4:34, formulates the principle that the centre of woman's duties is her home, which plays a vital role in human life. 

 

She has not been given the responsibility or obligation of spending upon the family and hence working to this end, whereas man has been given this responsibility or obligation.

 

However, in circumstances that would necessitate it, the Qur’an does not forbid women from working at a job to earn a living. It just suggests a principle of division of labour between men and women taking into account their biological and psychological differences.  It is not the place of women (with career ambitions etc…) and/or society to go against this Qur’anic pattern for personal pleasure or satisfaction.

 

The word used in the verse is ‘Qarn’ (قرن), which has the meaning of joining or coupling as opposed to entrapping or confining.  This implies that the wife must be joined with the home in her life, though not necessarily confined to the home.  If we consider that she must go to Salaat on Friday, shop for what is needed in the home etc… we can see that Allah certainly did not state that the woman must be confined to the home, but instead that her focus should be the home.

 

The verse also talks of not going out and displaying/showing off themselves like women in the times of ignorance, this makes clear that going out just for the sake of it to show yourself off to the world is forbidden.

 

 

  

CONCLUSION

 

The solemn covenant (4:21) that is the marriage of a man and a woman is designed for the fulfilment of the man and the wife as part of a: -

 

• God fearing

• Loving

• Caring

• Forbearing

• Compassionate

• Sexually and emotionally fulfilling

• Financial

• Role, obligation and rights based

 

Relationship that has implications from the husband and wife (and the children when they come along) to the economic and workforce structure of society at large.

 

This is a very important institution that is not to be toyed with or changed to fit the times.  This is the pattern of Allah for his creation; lets all do our best to fulfil it.